Less than 48 hours

Down to the wire on Halloween and all my plans have melted like cotton candy in warm, wet mouth. It's not a total wash. I'm still going out and I'm still getting dressed up. My goals are a little more modest than they were is all. I think that's what I really want. I don't want to say it's about my age, so let's just say I'm at the point where standing around in a noisy party with young people I hardly know who are all drinking excessively isn't exactly my idea of a good time. I'm content to have a quiet evening with good friends. In the struggle between camaraderie and revelry, camaraderie wins out. Michael called this afternoon and asked us over for some quiet drinks. Sounds very pleasant. We might watch House of Dracula. or Night of the Living Dead. We are definitely going to have a few drinks. I do wish it were a little more organized. They're a fun loving bunch but not always ambitious. Still, I let my anxiety and depression keep me from getting it together this year. I think next year I'm going to organize a scavenger hunt. I think that will be loads of fun.
I'm not sure if I'm going to wear my costume. We are going to a double feature on campus, by Angela doesn't want to get dressed up and Michael and Danny aren't going to be dressed up, so I don't know. We're still dressing up for the kids on Monday night.
I'm glad I'm thinking about this not just in terms of the here and now but also about the future as well, when we have kids of our own. Things like a scavenger hunt the entire family can get involved in. Plus I've decided that every year we're going to make s'mores! It's easy enough with a regular grill or a gas stove. And the holiday isn't over yet. The real fun is to be had Monday, when the kids are all dressed up.
I keep thinking about the final scene in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". Charlie Brown laments the effort put into another holiday that fails to live up to our expectations and says that perhaps they should hang it up. Linus indignantly replies that "next year will be different! Just you wait and see!". Now I truly understand what he means.

You only get one

You only get one Halloween and then you have to wait an entire year for another one. I guess that's why I've got such a build up for the holiday. Unfortunately it doesn't help. My wife won;t even talk to me anymore about what our plans are because she's so stressed out by my expectations. I'm getting frustrated because all of our plans are coming apart like wet cardboard in my hands. I tried to explain that we don't have to endure this ordeal with Xmas or Thanksgiving. I think partially it's because you just show up. Everyone sort of knows what to expect, what they're going to do, and you just do it. Each year we are attempting to invent Halloween out of nothing. Yeah, my expectations make it even more difficult, but at this point I'm sick of not knowing if I'm even going to go out this weekend and will gladly accept whatever is handed to me. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't even hear what I'm saying anymore.
What am I saying? I guess I'm saying that Halloween needs traditions like Xmas and Thanksgiving. We need to know that this is what Halloween is like in our house and then do it. Mind you, there's always lots of family and friends on the other two holidays so I know there's going to be a sense of community and camaraderie on those days. It still bothers me that my friends don't seem to want to do anything for for Halloween, not even go to a party. Frustrating.
I'm not sure what to do. At this point I'm going to be on my own for the Holiday. My wife isn't even going to do anything with me.
*sigh* My favorite holiday is quickly turning into something to dread. Disgusting.
I feel like throwing up.

A perfect holiday

Less than two weeks now. The weather is great here. A little hot in the afternoon, but generally cool. The trees are just gorgeous!
I'm not sure Halloween will live up to my expectations, but it never does. I'm not really sure what I expect, to be honest. I have vague ideas it, but I can never think of what the coolest thing to do would be. I think, although it seems a little lame, a good round of storytelling would be fantastic. Recite the raven, some ghost stories, that sort of thing. I do have visions of a large bonfire, people in costume and paint dancing, writhing about in the dark, sweaty, breath steaming, limbs entwined, bit like the "rave" scene in the Matrix 2 with the bonfire scene of Lord of the Flies or something.
I just need to find a large group of really crazy pagans with access to a large parcel of land. Someone would put on a ceremonial mask and appear in the midst of the group, perhaps clad only in paint and bones and feathers, dancing and leaping, savage wild. We would crown him with oak and thistle as the Lord of the night, and feed them pumpkin seeds and sweet cakes and ply them with liquor. We would carry them about on a chair and hold them aloft chanting and singing. They would sit upon a throne and guide us in our debauchery, raising toasts and bestows blessing and boons. After a while they would step into a coffin shaped box and be closed inside (secretly slipping through he trap door on the stage) and we would carry the box to the fire and throw it in.
But where am I going to meet people like that? I don't know anybody like that.

Still sailing on that river

Ever since discovering the power of denial I have been in a GREAT mood! I'm able to relax and not spend every waking hour with my nose in a text book, I've been to watch some tv and have fun, I've enjoyed studying again and even have a great grasp of the material. The weather is still a bit hot but the leaves are now a dazzling array of colors.
I hope this keeps up! There isn't much time left in this semester!

Not just a river in Egypt

Wow. I will never underestimate the power denial again.
For weeks I've been in mental anguish over school. I'm not exaggerating either. I've been physically ill from stress. It's Fall Break and I have a four day weekend and I spend most of the the last three days studying or worrying about studying. Last night I spent a pleasant evening with John Hagan getting his book "Aha and the Great ahum ahum ahum" ready for press. When I woke up this morning I realized I wasn't thinking about school. Simple as that. I knew it was there, and I was aware that part of my brain was scared of the consequences this denial would bring, but the rest of my brain was just oblivious, as if that 10% still freaking out had been walled off behind glass. We could see it out of the corner of our eye, banging on it's translucent prison, we could see it's mouth moving and are vaguely aware it is shouting at us, but we can't make out what it's saying. So we turn out back to it and go about our business.
It turns out to be a nice day. More trees are moving to yellow and rust, it's warm but not hot, cool breeze in the air. I went to two Big Lots looking for Halloween candy and bought the first bags of it today. I went to Wild and Woolly Video and got the first Halloween movie of the season.
I'm going to have fun today, damn it! Even if it does cost me my GPA!
(truth: it won't)

Just like that

It finally happened. It was cold and wet yesterday, last night was in the 60's, and today is still very cold. There is orange and red and yellow showing in the tress. I think the Season is upon us at last! I've decided there's no need to wait around. It's time to bust out the rest of the decoration and the Halloween music and to watch the first of the Halloween movies. I have Evil Dead coming from Netflix. Don't know if I can wait for it to get here. Might pop out to the store today for something else. Not sure what. We might be getting out pumpkin today. Would be cool if we did. We we're supposed to have left hours ago, but both of us are stressed and anxious these days. We've just been sitting around in our robes and talking all afternoon. It's one of the things we love best.
I am a little saddened that my Halloween costume won't be ready (again!) in time for Halloween. It might, I'm not abandoning hope yet. However, I am preparing Plan B, just in case. Not nearly as cool as my original idea, but still pretty nifty.